Between my first draft and my final draft, a lot has changed. I had gotten a lot of feedback from my classmates during class. I had fixed up some awkward sentence structure. I changed my second paragraph about mental illness in general and added it to my introduction. My next paragraph in my first draft was all about Anne Hallward. It talked about Hallward’s claim about sharing stories and about her podcast Safe Space Radio. This paragraph had too much being talked about in it. I changed this into two separate paragraphs, splitting up the two topics I was talking about. I also ended up splitting up my paragraph about AIDS. One paragraph talked about the AIDS situation in South Africa and the other was about the AIDS situation in Uganda. The end of my essay did not change much. My personal story remained the same as did my conclusion. Besides the major changes that I had mentioned other changed included the addition of better transitions and just minor grammer adjustments.

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12u_HMVTGXgthsiB6ai0NKVGAau8DH-XA0X3cztetUDw/edit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15koDYEeth2MJz_0vSkTakOAHVXyyRl9o20ZnHVrAjA4/edit

 

I feel that I did a better job in this category in my first essay. With my podcast, since it was such a personal and descriptive story, I feel that it was hard for me to find changes that needed to be made. I did add more clarification to support my claim about grieving children in the conclusions.

First draft:    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OvgqP3s8QJC1kZhinYNbWYwqKjykKhUOiQDCTrjC6y4/edit

Final draft:    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aqiki-CdGD4qWWoJ6gOpckqF_53Ckby7Y8vZtF0bLRI/edit